Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
