have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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