I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
