my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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