im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i may or may not be watching the land before time
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm like, not good at living.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
