bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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