Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
