what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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