my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
