Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
