Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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