it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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