I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
