...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
