Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I could fuck to npr.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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