It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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