how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
