maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You have to summon your inner elephant
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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