i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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