Screwed.edu
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
