M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
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