All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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