I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
