You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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