I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
