a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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