What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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