My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
