I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Welp...herpes.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize