How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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