That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
