probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
