Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
