My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
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