did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
