Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
