Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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