My Higher Power is John Stamos
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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