Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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