When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
