i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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