Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
