I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
