Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize