Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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