It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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