I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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