Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
