He uses pillows to masturbate.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
did i just pee glitter
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
