Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
