Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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