I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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