he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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