FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
