are you still at the devil's house?
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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