4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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