you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Pants are for mortals
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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