I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
