woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
being pregnant is like rehab
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize