Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I pour the whiskey from now on
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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