Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
