You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
