we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize