it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
