So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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