Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize