Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
