dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize