At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I enjoy the company of your penis
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