A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
