I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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